So, till the last time I was a bit confused as to how to make out with my GF, how to take it to that point.

What I had thought was that she is shy and generally takes time in opening up and all of that. But then about 6-7 days back she told me something in a conversation which has changed my perspective a bit and now I’m wondering how do I handle this situation.

The situation till now..

I thought that she is someone who doesn’t really see sex or intimate make outs as something that one should do early on in a relationship.

I had thought that she takes time in opening up and then likes to indulge in all of this. And the story of her relationships with her 2nd and 3rd boyfriends really supported this worldview of hers – where sex wasn’t the primary object.

To my mind it was still great that within the first 4 weeks of our relationship we had entered a hotel room and had made out.

It seemed like a great progress and trust me, what I’m about to add next – it still seems like a great progress, I’m not taking away anything from that.

What I discovered…

She told me that with her 4th boyfriend, the relationship started primarily on the grounds of sex with high physical connection.

And that the sex happened really early on and happened every week till the time they were in Delhi.

This piece of information suddenly made me go in a state of minor shock. Why? Why would it shock me? I’ve had my share of history too and everything.

But when I asked myself I quickly realized that this was more of a shock because 7 weeks into our relationship or of knowing each other, I got a piece of information that was diametrically opposite to the impression I had or the impression that she gave me.

It was more of a “okay, this is quite the opposite of what I thought” and the shock was more about the difference in the personality traits.

Definitely, there was/is an undercurrent of “hey why ain’t that happening with me” but hand to my heart, it was the dissonance in the personality I thought she was (rather what she told/tells) and the personality that came out from this episode, 4th boyfriend.

Again, I would say here that even this is fine. As you know more about a person you will find information that will be different from the image they gave to you.

Why it sting me so much…

Over the next 3-4 days I was in some thought. The points in my mind were primarily these:

1. While she was telling me all of that that “hey I take a lot of time to get intimate and all of that”, she was referring to her earlier experiences of boyfriends number 2 and 3 but had ignored the most recent experience of boyfriend number 4. Ideally someone’s truest reflection is from the most recent experience.
2. We had our share of physical intimacy, no oral sex or no penetration, in mid August ‘24 in a hotel room. However, post that, we never spoke about when next would that happen. Never. It was almost 3 weeks from that episode and we never spoke when that would happen. Usually when you start of with the intimacy bit, when you set the ball in motion, it’s only human instinct to want it more. In our case, it never came up. What came up was how good it was
3. There’s an explanation for point 2, though. The reason why the ‘next time’ was not planned because she didn’t want sex before things like marriage is confirmed (fair point) and because she is attracted to me she surely knows the next time we are in a room, sex will happen. This is a fair point that given her life experiences, she now wouldn’t want to end up having sex with someone, getting emotionally attached and not getting married.
4. Given all of this, my mind is going in this direction because now I’m linking it with my insecurities. In the sense that, “hey, just because I’m not as physically good looking as the 4th ex was, she was able to not hold back with him and is now able to hold back with me”. Also, that “hey, if she could lead with sex with him, why not lead with sex with me” (not a great thought, I know) and that “if she can be at a stage that she was having sex with someone every week, how does the person change so much that we aren’t making out at all now”.
5. What stings me more is that, at one point of time, there was a thought in her head that “shall we not have sex at all before marriage?”. When I put together both of these things together – it clearly feels that I’m bearing the brunt of someone past. That she isn’t saying no to sex or intimacy because she doesn’t like it and all. No. That fact seems to be that she likes sex, she had started to like sex, but she is not reconsidering it because someone fucked it up, someone didn’t take it to marriage and now sex is not linked with feelings but sex is linked with the outcome.
6. Which means that, now in our case, her words/thoughts are not matching her actions. Now she is linking intimacy to an outcome. For a woman, that’s fair, actually.

Am I thinking correctly?

How does her 4th boyfriend situation even change anything? Does it?

Suppose she wasn’t like that, wild and carefree, with her 4th boyfriend. Would it be a problem?

• Without that information, I was okay with the slow pace of intimacy. I had even said it’s okay even if we don’t have sex before marriage because that is what I had taken her to be. Someone who is cautious.
• Without that information, I had no one to compare myself with and her pace with. This was her pace and this is all I knew about her.

So how does knowing about the 4th boyfriend situation change anything?

• It tells me that she likes sex, she likes intimacy, and her libido is such that they would go into a hotel room every week – but with me she can control it.
• It tells me that the attraction with me is weaker.
• It tells me that being a good guy won’t take you anywhere and you’d just keep on accommodating for people and people won’t accommodate you.