What am I supposed to feel when I am told I am not comfortable having sex even in October first week (2.5 months into the relationship) but even when we had been naked in bed in the first month?

• Neither penetrative nor the same thing that we did on 16th Aug. Nothing. I am just not comfortable.

What am I supposed to feel when I am told by my ex-boyfriend I used to have sex every week, and I started it from sex and my libido was that high, but there was no urge for me even till October?

What am I supposed to feel when parents were informed about each other, we had decided to marry but sex or even the same level of physical intimacy was not on the cards?

• That there is negligible physical chemistry with me
• There isn’t that physical connection/chemistry
• That now we are thinking about sex primarily because it is what two people who are supposed to get married should do and not for any urge

What am I supposed to feel when a first kiss with me was such a big deal that you had to settle yourself into it? Leave alone sex.

My feeling is that are you pretending to be shy and coy? When the fact is that you are not. And its okay, its actually great.

Is this on Retroactive Jealously?

How much of this is linked to my retroactive jealousy, that I know about her past? I think quite a bit. But let’s for instance assume that I did not know about it.

How would it have been? Here is what it would have been like.

1. I would have been quite happy about 16th Aug as a date. I would have thought that yes she is extremely sexually attracted to me.
2. Then in September, while sexting, I would have asked her again, that “hey I can’t wait to get back together”.
3. And because I would have been flamboyant about it, we would have made love again in September when we were serious about marriage.
4. And then that would have set up a rhythm for us.
5. Now, even if she would have said no, I would have understood that and would have said that yes your comfort is important.
6. But yes, I would have thought that why isn’t she doing the same thing with me again that we did on 16th Aug.
7. Then when she would have asked for 26th Oct I would have been happy but I still would have been unsure that what is her rhythm, what is her comfort level with me.
8. Then after 26th Oct, for sure, I would not have been sure that okay what should be the speed.

So, yes, if would have persisted for sex then I would have got it. But if she would have said no like she did when I did not pick her hints, we would most likely be in the same situation because I would not have been asking it.

What should I do about it?

I should talk to her and tell her what I am feeling, if she can help me with it, great, if she can’t help me and chooses to brush it – her choice. I will not bring this topic to her again.

But then the question is – does it make sense to raise a topic from the past? Why am I still stuck in Aug, Sep, Oct, when we have moved past that time.

She is thinking about weddings and the days in the future, while I am thinking about the past. I am thinking about the past because that has impacted the way I think about now.

But would I like it if she started to talk about the past? Like my father’s non-veg controversy?

Even she could use the same argument:

• How should I feel when your father asked me to make non-veg?
• How should I feel when my father was told that we have non-veg in the fridge?
• How should I feel when when this and when that happened?

Well the fact is that was not with me, that was with my parents and when she had a problem with me she voiced it.

So, yes, maybe it is worth ignoring for me. But at what cost? I would never be able to tell her what was/is/has been bothering me about the situation.

But wait a minute.

What solution am I even expecting from her?

What is that ideal answer that she says is going to make me feel really good. I mean it is a shitty way to walk into a discussion with your partner but I think I need to check the verasity of my problem by knowing that is there even a real solution?

Because if there is no real solution, and nothing she says can make me feel good and healed then I need to be clear that this problem is just in my head and I am unnecessarily giving it too much thought.

Let me think:

Hey, I think I understand what went wrong. Maybe what I said did not come out the right way. I really enjoyed 16th Aug, I am sure you could feel the emotions too. Post 16th Aug I was just feeling that maybe I am too quick to jump into the bed with you.

And therefore, to not feel shitty about it, I thought that I should not ask for sex. It is just that feeling. In the past, I did not like the fact that I jumped too sex too soon. It did not help me at all.

I think my ex-partner only saw me like that. And even though the relationship was all good and okay, I think it was primarily about intimacy. At the same time, yes, my sexual appetite is much, but with you I controlled because from my past experiences I just felt bad.

Then when in Oct, I felt that sufficient time had passed I asked you and we did it. For me as a woman, sex is not very easy to give. I really feel attracted to you that is why I had to get into the bed with you on 16th. That is why I loved sexting with you.

My only submission to you is that when I was 25, I was not thinking about marriage. I was thinking about sex and that is what I went for. Now, I want marriage and that is what I am going for.

I have a solution, let me plan a weekend with you. I want to take you to a place and tell you how I really feel about you. And you can also let me know. I really can’t wait to be with you.

And regarding our sex rhythm, you should not feel shy about it. Please talk to me like that, please discuss it with me, tell me when you want it.

I think what I had with my ex-bf was something that was stupid. I said that I had better physical chemistry with him only because it was primarily that. It started off with that. In your case, it started off as a genuine connection. And the moment I would have brought in sex in it, I would not have been able to know about you.

I am physically attracted to you that is why we are together. I held myself back till Oct only because I wanted sufficient time to pass before I know that I am sure. In August, I had to tell my parents because they started asking about marriage and stated introducing proposals.

Also, my brothers marriage too. There was no time.

Please understand that I wanted marriage. I installed Bumble with not much hope. I was anyway up for arranged marriage. And then you came by. And you were a great person to hang out with. You were such a perfect person. We had all kinds of chemistry.

I would not have asked for the hotel check-in if your birthday was not on 17th Aug. I would have waited for more and just enjoyed the time that we were having. I would have taken this up at our pace. I only asked for 16th Aug because I wanted your birthday to be special and because I was really attracted to you too.

Why would I if I were not attracted to you? Just think about it.

If whatever you are saying that hey I am asking for sex only because it is a formality then why in the world would I myself ask for 16th Aug. Please know that I was always that person, the person who was attracted to you right from 16th Aug.

And after that I just wanted to wait. You know that sometime I gave you so many hints and we sexted, because we really liked that, I really liked that. Having sex was a big step now only because I was feeling guilty about getting into sex.

This relationship was not about sex.

This relationship was about our romantic chemistry. And the fact that we are so compatible with each other.

I did not know that you were hurting so much thinking about my past. Sure, I started sex early when I was 25, I got into a relationship and we were also discussing marriage, but isn’t that how all relationships are like? It didn’t work out. That guy made a mess of my life by the end of it. What should I remember about it?

The fact that I had sex in it or the fact that it ended up so bad that I can’t even tell you how it impacted me. Why should I remember the sex that was? I didn’t even matter. It was so nothing.

Right now, today, I am what I am because of that experience too. I am this individual who did nothing wrong but I did get wronged. And now I am just thinking that hey, I want someone who loves me. That’s just it.

Probably you think more about my ex than I do. Because you are seeing one episode of it and you want that. How does that work? I had not had a shitty experience before it that made me lose face in front of my family.

And no, I am not going away from the conversation of our sex. I am telling you, that that chapter ended and it ended for good, it ended bad but it ended for good.

With you I am this person that you liked, you like and we are finding love in our own way. I want to take vacations with you, I want to be held by you and not once do I think no I don’t want that.

I have never been a PDA person. With you I am. I want to kiss you everytime and just be with you. Its a different kind of love with you. And I just want this love to grow.

Please stop thinking anything else. This is what I want you to know. I need you, I need you so bad because you have shown me what love is like. I was attracted to you on 16th, I was attracted after that and I was attracted to you each time I have asked you for sex.

I want it, I want it a lot. I love you.

Now, can we get past it, kiss and let me tell you how much I want you?